Joke of the Day

[BadboyfromOz]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion..

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

[BadboyfromOz]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular
reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these, they're the most
perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly,
and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,
drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks,
'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down.
She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven,
a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.

[BadboyfromOz]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only ten years old. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have
little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."



Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

[BadboyfromOz]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.

The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'What's
your occupation?'

'I'm a Lady of the night,' she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ' Let's try to
rephrase that.'

The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl.'

'No, that still won't work. Try again.'

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, 'I'm an elite
chicken farmer.'

The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being
a prostitute?'

'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'

'Chicken farmer it is.'

[BadboyfromOz]

Call 911

Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the
hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.

"The regional vice president died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."

"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to call 911. She just stood there waiting
for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

[BadboyfromOz]

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men....are men.

[BadboyfromOz]

A man dressed in worn jeans, cowboy boots and a "ten gallon" hat is sitting in a bar. An attractive woman enters and sits next to him and after being served her martini asks him if he is a cowboy?

The man thinks a minute then answers, "I've spent my life herding cows, branding cows, building fences to keep them in, repairing fences, about any job connected with cattle. I would say that I am a cowboy.

The woman says that she is a lesbian. If she is driving a car she is thinking of naked women. If she is fixing a meal, she is thinking of naked women. If she is in the shower, she is thinking of naked women.
If she is on vacation, she is thinking of naked women. If she is at work, she is thinking of naked women. I am a lesbian.

A new patron enters the bar and sits down on the other side of the cowboy, orders a beer and asks if he is a cowboy? The cowboy answers, "I always thought I was but it turns out I'm a lesbian" !

[BadboyfromOz]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up
your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling
hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired.

[BadboyfromOz]

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[BadboyfromOz]

A Mulberry Street Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Patterson. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."