Joke of the Day

[BadboyfromOz]

Two women are chatting in the office...

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3
minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 5 minutes, then rolled
over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he
lit some candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. Then we
had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour.
It was like a fairy tale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work...

Husband 1: Hey Jim, you get laid last night? How was it?
Husband 2: Fantastic! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, got laid
and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: Just terrible! I came home, there was no dinner because they cut
the electricity as I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to
dinner. It was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. So we
had an hour's walk home. When we got home, I remembered there was no
electricity, so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so pissed
that I couldn't get it up for an hour. Then I couldn't come for another
hour! When I finally did, I was so upset that I couldn't fall asleep and the
wife jabbered away for yet another hour!

[BadboyfromOz]

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain , Wyoming , goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw
and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is for."

[BadboyfromOz]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

[BadboyfromOz]

GHOST SEX
> > >
> > > A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal
> > Studies.
> > >
> > > To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
> > > 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
> > >
> > > About 90 students raise their hands.
> > >
> > > Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of
> > you think you have seen a ghost?'
> > >
> > > About 40 students raise their hands.
> > >
> > > That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
> > here ever talked to a ghost?'
> > >
> > > About 15 students raise their hand.
> > >
> > > Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
> > >
> > > Three students raise their hands.
> > >
> > > That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of
> > you ever made love to a ghost?'
> > >
> > > Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
> > >
> > > The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've
> > been ?giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a
> > ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
> > >
> > > The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
> > make his way up to the podium.
> > >
> > > When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed,
> > tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
> > >
> > > Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."?

[BadboyfromOz]

Pants and Panties....
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.

On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on.

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.' Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'


TO WHICH BADBOY WOULD HAVE SAID, CAN YOU SPELL ANNULMENT!!!!!!!

[BadboyfromOz]

INDIANS DON'T USE SADDLES...
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

A Navajo on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered.

'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles!

[BadboyfromOz]

A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing!

They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[BadboyfromOz]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed, and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[BadboyfromOz]

A man returns home a day early from a long weekend of golf. It's after
Midnight. While on route home he asks the cabbie if he would be
A witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her
In the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees..

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the
Bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and here is
His wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked
man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I
Inherited money.

HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season rugby tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
Rent!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'

The cabbie replies, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches
A cold.”

[BadboyfromOz]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.


5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.


6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.


7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..


8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.


9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"


10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.


11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.


12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.


13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.